Do Epic Shit

Poop Closets and Property Nightmares: True Tales from the Real Estate Trenches

• Colleen Basinski & Kimberly Neill • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Ever wondered what real estate professionals talk about when the cameras are off and the drinks are flowing? Welcome to the unfiltered world of property sales after dark. In this hilariously candid episode, veteran agents Kim and Colleen spill the tea on their most shocking, disgusting, and downright terrifying experiences in the field.

From the $600,000 lakefront property where sellers left bags of dog waste in the basement closet to houses that literally smell like death, these stories reveal the stomach-churning realities agents face during property showings. You'll cringe as they describe walking in on naked homeowners, stumbling upon drug users in basements, and accidentally submitting brutally honest feedback to the wrong listing agent. Their tales of snake infestations, aggressive dogs, and potential hauntings will make you appreciate your own home-buying journey – or at least the professionals who guided you through it.

Beyond the laughs, this episode highlights the genuine dangers real estate agents face daily. When Colleen discovered a client's extensive criminal history including sexual assault and home invasion, it underscored why safety protocols are essential in this profession. Bart's legendary story about threatening to throw a difficult client "in the trunk and take him to the Cal-Sag" (a notorious body-dumping location) reveals the creative ways agents have handled troublesome situations before more professional standards evolved.

The spring market madness comes through clearly as both hosts describe working non-stop to accommodate eager buyers in today's low-inventory environment. Despite exhaustion and stress, their passion for helping clients navigate life's biggest purchases remains evident throughout their stories. Whether you're a fellow real estate professional, a curious homebuyer, or someone who appreciates unfiltered workplace stories, this episode offers a uniquely entertaining glimpse behind the property listing curtain.

Listen, subscribe, and share your own real estate horror stories with us! Available on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, Amazon, and iHeart Radio – because sometimes the truth is stranger (and smellier) than fiction in the world of real estate.

💡 Lessons we’ve learned about balancing it all—sometimes successfully, sometimes… not.

If you’re out here trying to do EPIC SH*T, this one’s for YOU. Hit play, tag a friend, and let’s do this thing together! 👇

🎧 Listen now on Spotify, iHeartRadio, Amazon Music & APPLE Podcasts!

🔗 Podcast: https://doepicshit.buzzsprout.com
🔗 All Links: https://linktr.ee/DoEpicShit.RealTalk
📺 Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DoEpicShit.RealTalk

🎙️ Hosted by: Colleen Basinski & Kimberly Neill

Smash that follow button & get ready for more EPIC $H*T 💩💥














Speaker 1:

It smelled really bad in there. I said it smelled like a dead body, did something die in this house, like I'm detailed with my feedback Friday night. Woohoo, it's Friday night, seltzers are flowing Filter's gone. Welcome to Do.

Speaker 2:

Epic Shit. I'm Colleen Bosinski, I'm Kim Neal, and we are here to share with you. Oh, tonight's gonna to be a fun one. Tonight we're spilling tea, so these are going to be the war story, the mishaps, the haunted houses, the naked cellars, the time someone brought a goat to the office.

Speaker 1:

It's all happening tonight. I'm excited.

Speaker 2:

If you're a client, don't worry. We changed the names to protect the ridiculous.

Speaker 1:

You bet but buckle up.

Speaker 2:

It's not your mama's market update.

Speaker 1:

This will be a good one. I'm excited.

Speaker 2:

So this is real estate after dark. Yep and drunk, Grab your drink, mute your kids and let's get into the chaos.

Speaker 1:

Let's do it.

Speaker 2:

Alright, so should we hear some drinking game rules tonight?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, let's do it. What do you think?

Speaker 2:

So take so take a sip every time someone mentions haunted house. Okay, a deal blew up over something ridiculous. We hammered Co-op agents on necessary drama.

Speaker 1:

Yep.

Speaker 2:

Drama agents. They're in the wrong agency. You hear the word inspection nightmare Yep Final walkthrough disaster.

Speaker 1:

Someone admits they cried at a closing Yep. That would be me.

Speaker 2:

And if you say the words. I wish I was kidding out loud, because I tell you we are going to share some fun, fun stories tonight.

Speaker 1:

Let's do it. Are you ready to dig in?

Speaker 2:

yeah, let's go, let's do some epic shit story tonight. All right, kim, let's dive right in. Okay, what's the grossest house you've ever shown yesterday? Oh one.

Speaker 1:

One bump was yesterday, walked through the breezeway and it's connected to the garage green room. Beautiful overlooks the lake and there is mashed fruit and tomatoes as soon as we walk in.

Speaker 2:

Well, I mean, it wasn't poop.

Speaker 1:

Well, I was getting to that. Okay, I was getting to that. Leave it to me to interrupt you. So we go through and we specifically ask this is terrible. Can you please clean up the dog poop in the closet in the base?

Speaker 1:

like a dog had an accident there or no? Like the dog, they kept in the basement and had a piece of linoleum on cement workroom and the dog just pissed and shit there. They picked it up, put it in a bag and threw it in the closet. What I didn't tell you this story, no, it was my house from yesterday. Oh shit, literally.

Speaker 2:

So specifically in our attorney review we said place has to be cleaned, especially the closet in the basement did the attorney say like the needs to be cleaned out of the closet in the basement or they were like kind of you know parenthesis, the feces in the basement because it's like a foreclosure or like a rock bottom price or what was the deal?

Speaker 1:

no, not at all. It was just average sellers. What was the sale price? Almost $600,000. Beautiful area overlooked a pond private pond but it was absolutely disgusting.

Speaker 2:

So how do you handle that situation when you're so obviously the attorney review letter? You talked about it. You went back for the walkthrough. Was it cleaned up?

Speaker 1:

No, well, I will say this it wasn't as bad. Your facial expressions tell the whole story it was not as bad as when we saw it. There was leftover shit there. Literally you can't get everything, maybe, but to leave bag of dog shits for somebody else to clean up who keeps dog shit in their house.

Speaker 2:

These sellers, psa homeowners. Don't. Keep bags of dog shit in your house.

Speaker 1:

Throw them out take, take it out to the camp.

Speaker 2:

It's not that hard.

Speaker 1:

Like a couple of steps right. It was god awful I was at this walkthrough for three hours.

Speaker 2:

I find a walkthrough is supposed to be like 15 minutes, 15 minutes, but here's the worst part, like, okay, it is what it is.

Speaker 1:

People do stupid shit. My clean could be different from your clean, right yeah, but my poor client was in tears Falling her eyes out, falling her eyes out. So what do you do in that case? All you can do is console them, offer them. I'm sitting there as she's walking through. I'm looking on Angie's list Bum, tech, all these places to get her a cleaner in there, because she had to. She was moving in the next day, so you do what you do.

Speaker 2:

So how did you resolve the situation, like, what did you end up doing? Because I'd like to hear if there was a happy ending. There was a happy ending, which was great.

Speaker 1:

The sellers decided to compensate, which was wonderful.

Speaker 2:

How much encouragement did they get from your side to compensate?

Speaker 1:

Here was the bottom line we weren't going to closing until it was resolved and the agent actually was great on that side.

Speaker 2:

Well, I think his agents too. You know, there's good agents, bad agents, and there's good clients and bad clients. Yeah. Sometimes the agents don't have any control over some of the crazy shit clients do and you know what.

Speaker 1:

This was the case because he was great. I just don't don't think his sellers cared. We were moving out of state. It was fine, we loaded up the moving truck. Even though the moving truck pulled in and blew out the whole mailbox mailbox was down. But I mean, we're packing up reliever, we're moving on a safe unfortunately.

Speaker 2:

So you were able to resolve the situation and get them a good outcome, but unfortunately, with the way the market is now, the inventory shortage.

Speaker 1:

It's not like they could just go find another house, so no, you had to rally for a resolution. So it was to you, girl yeah, thankfully it worked out, but it was stressful. You talk about not sleeping you earned your money on that one. I did earn every dime on that one. But when I was leaving the closing she texted me and said kim, I can't thank you enough. I will refer you to everybody. Your graciousness and your kindness was more than we could have expected like.

Speaker 1:

It was very heartfelt and warming but I mean, we've talked about this before on other episodes, where I talk about, like, how your kindness comes through and how he's like you always go the extra mile for clients absolutely, you took a bad situation and made it into something that was palatable for some people and I think too, as you get through this and as you count down the years that you're in the business, you learn to deal with like trying not to make like before.

Speaker 2:

Five years ago I'd be like oh my god I can't, well, you can't, you just can't do that you can't blow off the other agent's head you can't like because you have to have to play nice in the sandbox the sandbox is small and there's a lot of shit rolling around in it and I feel like we will run into each other again at some point.

Speaker 1:

you know, yeah.

Speaker 2:

It's the people that are doing business, that those are the ones you run across all the time. And there's I mean there's a lot of licensees out there but not a lot of people actually doing business, so you have to play nice in the sandbox.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so it was interesting, so I have one.

Speaker 2:

I didn't sell the house that I had a gross house. I mean, I've had a lot. I won't say a lot, but I've been through a few gross houses in my career and some of them, you know, the client just can't help like. So I I've had one recently where the seller was like I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, and it's a situation where they had tenants in the house and they destroyed the house and it was disgusting and she felt bad and I said it's not your fault, like this is not your fault, you evicted the tenants. This is the situation we have, don't worry we'll get it sold.

Speaker 2:

Then we sold it. We had I don't know seven offers in before it even went live on the market so if you price things appropriately for the condition and what's going on, that happens.

Speaker 2:

But I will tell you a funny story I have. So I was scheduled to show a town home. I think it was in Deverville or Darien. I'll ask somewhere, i't remember. I go to show the house and I meet the client for the first time. It's a new lead, right, so I'm super excited to meet them and, you know, had them sign the touring agreement, agency agreement, because we have to have them sign something now before we can open the door.

Speaker 2:

And, you know, give them my packet my fancy packet the flyer and all the information and I open the door and the smell was so p like the subfloor in the kitchen and it's a two-story townhome and like we're literally, and the clients, you know, you don't know how to act. You're meeting clients for the first time after they've just signed an agency agreement with you or whatever, and you know, I'm like I'm really sorry because I didn't know. Obviously that's why it was priced where it was, but it was still not cheap.

Speaker 2:

It's like three, three hundred yeah, it's a little townhome, right two bedroom townhome, and we go through and it's like it, the smell is just overpowering and there wasn't like filth and garbage in there, but it was so bad and the clients looked at me and there was a little bit of a language barrier, like I could kind of you know. I don't know what nationality they were, but english wasn't their first language, so I'm trying to communicate to them too and they're like, yeah, I'm like, yeah, it stinks.

Speaker 2:

And they said, oh, my god, it smells like dead body in here. They're like, yes, it was so over and not that I know what a dead body smells like, but if I imagine what a dead body smells like, that's what it would have smelled like. Oh, but it gets better. Wait till you hear what I did on this one. This is not even the good part yet. So we leave, we close up whatever and the bedroom, one of the bedrooms, like all the carpet, whatever kind of floor they had, and was all ripped out, and so it's just the subfloor, but you can see a big stain because it was a dead body probably was so I leave the showing it was darien.

Speaker 2:

I know it was darien because then the next day I have so this is about like a three hundred thousand dollar buyer. The next day I have buyers that I've been working with and I'm showing a lot of property to and they're looking in lamont and darien and some of the other areas around there and I skip and a house comes up and they're like oh, kylie, can we see this one? So I get Sunday, so that was Saturday afternoon, I showed that one. So Saturday night they text me. They're like can we see this one? I'm like, let me see if I can get it scheduled for tomorrow. What time? One o'clock. So I get it scheduled for one o'clock At like noon, 11 o'clock or noon. You know you get the automatic request for feedback. So, yes, I did. The one that I was showing at 1 o'clock was like $650,000. Beautiful two-story home. I haven't showed it yet At noon I, oh, you know, sorry, this wasn't the house for them.

Speaker 1:

It smelled really bad in there. It almost smelled no, I said it smelled like a dead body.

Speaker 2:

Did something die in this house. Like I'm detailed with my feedback, no. Okay, so go to the show and at one o'clock with my other clients, right, we walk in there like, oh my gosh, this is the one. This house is beautiful.

Speaker 1:

We're there. They have their brand new baby, we're walking around.

Speaker 2:

It's like I remember we're there a good 35 minutes. I'm like, and you know, they know how fast the market is and how things are priced, and they want to. So I'm like they're like asking me questions. I'm like let me text the listing agent while we're still in the house. And I'm like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She's like, well, you'll have to text the co-lister, but didn't you say the house smelled like a dead body? No, you did. I gave you back the wrong, freaking house. So now I have to recover, right, because my clients love this house and they want this house. I was dying. I was literally dying. I'm like I've insulted them. That feedback's going to go right to the sellers, the system depending Now like I have it set up online so I can filter it and then send it, because you never know if someone makes a mistake or they whatever.

Speaker 2:

I don't know if she has it set up to filter. Some have it go automatic. So anyway, I'm like, I'm on the phone, I'm texting, I'm calling. I'm like, by the way, I know you do a lot of business in the area, if you happen to go See this one don't go show it.

Speaker 1:

It smells like a dead body I'm like.

Speaker 2:

So, push comes to shove, we get in a multiple offer situation and my clients want this house. We did end up winning the bid, but thank God the dead body didn't kill the deal on me.

Speaker 1:

Can you imagine? Right, she was probably pissed. Actually, she probably thought what did you smell that?

Speaker 2:

I didn't. Well, she asked me. She goes. I did an open house there yesterday. It smelled fine. I'm like you didn't open a house. I'm thinking like I'm so confused. Right, they're both Darien, whatever. I think on Saturday I had shown two houses.

Speaker 1:

in the morning I did an open house in the afternoon.

Speaker 2:

I did two more buyers after that and then Sunday morning I was like I think it was St Patrick's Day actually and I'm like trying to throw more beef in the crock pot and then run out, and I'm like you know, sometimes you make a mistake, sorry.

Speaker 1:

So that was a smelly house, so that was a gross one.

Speaker 2:

But I know like back in the day when Bart and I were working together, we used to have some foreclosures.

Speaker 1:

And.

Speaker 2:

I do remember Bart's, kristen's out today, guys. So hey, bart, thanks for helping us out, hey bar no but we had a foreclosure in oak forest. He's gonna know exactly which one I'm talking about. It was a raised ranch and we went in and it was garbage wasty all the real all garbage, like they had stuff, but even like the amount of stuff they had, I don't know how one, how someone would accumulate that much stuff I think it was literally wasty well, they were renters or owners that got foreclosed on because it was a foreclosure we got and we got the listing eventually, but we had to hire the operator to come in.

Speaker 2:

We didn't physically that one was way too much that like we could physically do and actually I just thought of one more, do you remember? The one in joliet that we showed to the buyer that was not in the area because they were looking in the cathedral district. And then they're like there's this other one. I'm like but you looks really nice on the pictures. So that's another thing. Just because the pictures look good doesn't mean it's going to look good.

Speaker 1:

Oh my God, my client said that today he's literally said it today and it had bars on the window.

Speaker 2:

Well, and conversely, if there's a shitty realtor and I'm sorry, guys, you're my peers and I don't want to talk shit about you but if you, conversely, you can have someone who takes two shitty, shitty pictures and you go there and you're like the house is beautiful.

Speaker 1:

So when I go there with my buyers.

Speaker 2:

I'm excited that they do that, because I'm like that means no one else is looking at it yeah, peeting against less people's, this is good for us so I always try to talk people into stuff when the pictures stop like let's just go look at it anyway, because it could be really good.

Speaker 1:

And they just suck at pictures.

Speaker 2:

But we went to that one in joliet and I mean, can I say this on here, is that? Is this like dry? It looked like a trap house, like literally like you walked in and the stove had like layer of filth and grease and it was. I mean, it was nasty, and they're like, oh, it was all just fixed up or something like the remarks the agent said I was like wrong. So those you know just be honest If I have an investor. I'll bring them to an investor type property.

Speaker 2:

But if I have a, buyer that's going to owner occupy. That's not what they want to see. Just be honest, doesn't it piss you off Like run and?

Speaker 1:

roll Friday night, seltzers. Well, I walked in today, my client which is an elderly man and disabled, and we walked up the stairs and I gotta help him up the stairs. We walk in and there's fire and every single he's like you get scared, felt like you're in jail. Yeah, he's like kim with big old padlocks. He's like kim, why is there? Well, I if you don't know, doug, if you don't know, I certainly you're not supposed to say kind, yeah, but he was that, he was he was a witness with you.

Speaker 2:

He wasn't myself. I'm like doug, I don't know. And he's like kim, I don't know. I certainly don't. You're not supposed to say kindness, yeah, but he was a witness with you. He wasn't the owner. I'm like dog, I don't know.

Speaker 1:

And he's like Kim. I don't like it, I'm like let's go. I'm like just hurried up, locked up and we left Meaning. We looked at the pictures. They look wonderful. They didn't have one picture of the window on there. They didn't have one picture that it was on a busy road, nothing. We both pulled up like, oh, I said I hate this house. He said, well, oh, why do pictures? You know what he said to me today why do pictures lie? I said I don't know.

Speaker 2:

I hope you find Doug a really nice house. I do too. He seems like a really nice man, he's such a gimper too. He just gimps along into the wrong house. No, I can't date him. Bart almost did.

Speaker 1:

He was at the door before we realized Did you knock? I've tried to go in the wrong house before the key wouldn't work.

Speaker 2:

I've done that on condo where I'm banging on doors and knocking. So, speaking of condos, I'm like totally jumping off of that because we're just gonna go with the flow tonight. So one time I was showing it was me and a lady, a single lady, I. I was showing condos and do you remember back in the day when they did all kinds of condo conversions, they were turning all these old apartment buildings to condos, like that was the rage 2009.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Like six through twelve was all. Every apartment building got converted to a condo. People would buy their apartment building these investors would, and then they would subdivide it into individual units and grant all the pins. So there was a lot of that going on. So we were going to show one. She wanted to buy a condo and it said it was undergoing conversion and that all the units would be empty, like they're rehabbing and they had to put sprinklers in. We go and I'm sure you have the same story or a very similar story. We go and we walk in and we're like hello, and I'm always like hello, cause my god, it's supposed to be vacant.

Speaker 2:

No big deal. We're in the kitchen, we walk around, we're in the living room. We go to open the bedroom door and there's big, fat, hairy, naked man. What was he doing? Passed out cold in the bed. I don't, he could have been dead. I don't know, don't care. Did not go back Her and I bolted the hell out of there.

Speaker 1:

What are you supposed to do, right, I mean?

Speaker 2:

condos.

Speaker 1:

When you said condos, that made me think of that, I walked in on somebody smoking crack. I think I showed a crack house. No, me and the client literally walked downstairs. They were sitting on buckets smoking a crack. I was like oh, excuse me, bye, uh, uh, yeah, uh. So were they in the cellar or were they like squatters? I? Think they were squatter and it was a young girl, was my client and she was looking.

Speaker 2:

So I don't think, people. I don't mean to interrupt you but I don't think people understand the danger that we put ourselves in on a daily basis. And I mean I got to the point where a lot of times now I won't meet a new client by myself. But, like, even if it's just you and the young girl and you know each other, you're going into a situation.

Speaker 1:

It's like the wild west out there. So you and the girl I'm sorry I interrupted, I had to put that. No, not, it was me and the young girls looking for a two-flat Walk two-flat basement. Go to the basement, three guys sitting on a bucket sharing a crack pipe it's always the freaking basements. Excuse me, we're out Like it wasn't even like. Don't even flinch, don't even skip your buddy.

Speaker 2:

I had a very we're out. I had a very similar situation. I had a sweet little Filipino family that I was showing properties to. We go in the city it's in Chicago somewhere, I don't remember where it was, what neighborhood, it doesn't matter. I suppose we go in and we're walking through and, like the people upstairs, you would think they would know what was going on in their basement because there were people upstairs and they let you through. And then I walked downstairs and the downstairs was like a flop house. There were people drunk, drugged, passed out, uh, knotted off all laying over the floor.

Speaker 2:

We had to walk over the bodies to get out and get through. That happened to me a couple of times. I'm like this was probably. I would say oh eight, oh nine oh I had, maybe not recently, like a lot of my good stories are from back then, like I've got some more recent ones, but you've been out in the field a lot longer than me over the years.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I was just looking for an investment property and went to a third sale that I had sold to a client and I opened the door and there were four full cats I just missed my mouth Walking over bodies and you know this shit's crazy. Well, that's why it's nine o'clock and we're drunk.

Speaker 2:

Okay, how many buyers did you work with in the last two days? How many buyers did you take out the last two days?

Speaker 1:

six.

Speaker 2:

I'm exhausted, but I got the pachico. Spring is wrong, right it's. It's so busy and you have to be ready and on your toes and like ready to take your clients out at a given moment, like it doesn't well, and I feel like and correct me if I are we not bombarded with the fresh new leads? Oh my, we're so busy.

Speaker 1:

I'm not complaining.

Speaker 2:

You guys, please keep sending them to us, we will take care of every single one of you. I am so, so grateful, and it's crazy.

Speaker 1:

It is so fucking busy, Like tomorrow, well you know I'm going to do an open house. I'll do an open house, okay, great. And then they're like no, you don't have to do the open house. I'm like, good, I need a day off, good no, it's not a day. How many buyers you fuck? No, it's. I got three new buyers. Oh so, no, no, I'm not off, I'm well how many times can you say in one sentence I know, but you know what here's?

Speaker 2:

the other thing is, first of all if we want to take care of the people that expect us to take care of, we have to be available and also, we have to take the business when it comes. It does come in waves, no matter how consistently. You put yourself out there. It's not up to us to force our timeline on the client. It's up to us to be available for the client when they're ready for their life change and their move.

Speaker 1:

You bet, and I have no problem accommodating. I enjoy meeting people. I enjoy doing it. Like the crabby old guy said today that I met, he wasn't so crabby huh, he was not. He's got a place to sell, he's got a place to buy. He's super. He was just grateful that somebody was helping. So I, you know, I'm, I'm okay with it. It's busy. Spring market is wrong. How about haunted houses? Have you ever shown a haunted house? I did.

Speaker 2:

I, you know who was I just telling? So, you were in the office when my client came in the other day, so I had a client call me that needed to move in like two weeks they were selling their house. They're like we need to buy a place. We have cash. We need to move in two weeks. I'm like okay let's go.

Speaker 2:

I'm like why don't you have someone else helping you? No one else would help us. Okay, great, I got you showings because you know she's sharing her stories with me. But after we wrote the contract this is when it came up, because you were sitting there with me after we wrote contracts she said I have to ask you a question is this house haunted? Well? There's not a registry for haunted houses that I'm aware of there might be, but you get a vibe, like you can tell when something feels creepy, oh my gosh do you remember that house in midlothian that I sent you the pictures of, with the weird dolls everywhere.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we have a group chat and I was searching through the MLS and I'm like why are these weird dolls staring at everybody and like posing on the chairs? You know which one I'm talking about. Right, holy, it's been on the market for like 750.

Speaker 1:

That's why Get rid of the dolls, because it's fucking haunted.

Speaker 2:

It probably is haunted that was one.

Speaker 1:

I walked in that one in Joliet.

Speaker 2:

New agent.

Speaker 1:

Hey, I was like you get a sick feeling and I thought what happened here? I leave? I google the address it is the most haunted home in juliet is there a registry for that you can google it?

Speaker 2:

well, yeah, google it. I never googled that before.

Speaker 1:

And I google a lot of shit. I need to know everything, about everything.

Speaker 2:

You know, I'm such a nerd like I don't know that.

Speaker 1:

I better learn it. I uh, who the fuck knows? I was like I'm out of here bye. How about safety? Let's?

Speaker 2:

talk about safety.

Speaker 1:

We should bring barden on this one, because safety wow, he's got a good story.

Speaker 2:

I'm gonna share his story even though he's over there. Maybe we'll let him pipe in or not. We have to look up clients to make sure they have like I and we'll go in pairs or I just had someone. So we have like a little service where we can look people up and I looked up this one client recently and it came up like 38 felon. And then it lists so our like service that tells us like you look up their phone number and stuff, and I'm like, oh well, sometimes it's like speeding and stuff.

Speaker 1:

Like it doesn't say felonies. You'll see 38 criminal infractions.

Speaker 2:

So I'm like, what are they? Is it a bankruptcy?

Speaker 1:

Was the bankruptcy, 20 credit out. Did you blow a red light?

Speaker 2:

yeah, is it like speeding somebody's got a lead foot, I have a lead foot right. So I'm like, oh, traffic, traffic. And then I'm like, oh, violating bond, burglary, that criminal sexual assault, kidnapping, home invasion, kidnapping, I don't remember. The list goes on. I'm like, oh shit, I sold him off. I just bring someone with me who's got their concealed carry and we're good, but I will say he was great, super nice guy. Well, you would never know that when you meet the client, you're like this person's.

Speaker 1:

So I like this person and I'm like, but I can't like this person, but he was a nice guy, right.

Speaker 2:

What does that say about me?

Speaker 1:

I'm like I trust everybody. No, I don't.

Speaker 2:

No, but I mean, I'm just thinking of like this did happen before. Did you ever show a house that had a room that wasn't in the floor plan? Now we don't have floor plans for everything but secret rooms. Have you ever shown a house with a secret room?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, pulled out the bookcase.

Speaker 2:

It was actually in Payless Hill, it was kind of you know, do you remember the guy that speaking of drug vibe, the guy that came in our open house in punta gorda?

Speaker 1:

oh my god, we were just talking about him, matt, just matt, matt, you have the last name just matt, but what made him stand out the most to you? Besides the open shirt and all the nice hair hanging out right and he was a tall he had a big old gold chain with a big old 14 carat gold razor blade hanging up.

Speaker 2:

Literally I was like this matt, just matt I don't want the government to know my business I can't imagine why, matt, he goes go mad.

Speaker 1:

You have a phone number. Nope, you don't have a phone. Did you know they can track you via your cell phone? I was remember. I was sitting in that chair, I had to go poop, I had to take a shit. Like get the fuck out of here, Matt.

Speaker 2:

We've had some fun over there.

Speaker 1:

I was 99.9 degrees outside. The AC wasn't working in the house In Florida, remember, the fucking whack job Was like hey, make sure you got those Shutters shut. What Do you remember? I was cranking the shutters. There was a button. No, you weren't cranking. I was out. Was cranking the shutters by hand Fuck it, there was a button. No, you weren't cranking. I was out there cranking them. It was 99 degrees out. I was like, fuck this, I'm out. I'm not doing it. Shut the fuck up, take your gold chain and stuff it up your ass. I'm out.

Speaker 2:

Fuck this oh my God, oh wow.

Speaker 1:

These are some pretty good prompts. This is just in the last six months. We haven't even gotten back to where when we started.

Speaker 2:

Oh my, god, for what the recent stuff? Who were your most difficult or nightmare clients?

Speaker 1:

Okay, let me just tell you this, because you'll appreciate this. So, someone that you guys were in business with prior oh god, here we go. We had a deal. Oh my god, it's so bad. I don't even anyway meet this lion tells me, google my name. That's all you need to know.

Speaker 2:

I had one of those. He never ended up buying the house. I go what?

Speaker 1:

Just Google my name, you'll know who I am?

Speaker 2:

shoulder Bob, yeah.

Speaker 1:

I was like, all right, I go home, google his name. I start laughing. I'm like he beat up the third baseman on the Kansas City Royals. I go home, google his name. I start laughing.

Speaker 2:

I'm like he beat up the third basement on the Kansas City Royals, I go what? All right, it's a sock fan, right? Totally yeah, I remember this story.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

But I didn't know you had him as a client.

Speaker 1:

He's my client.

Speaker 2:

Oh gosh.

Speaker 1:

So I go okay. So anyway, searched with him, meet his family, super nice guy, loved him until I knew there wasn't, until we closed on the house Right closing on a Friday. So you know that means you close but you can't find the key. He goes and moves in because the listing agent never locked the door and never passed along. They didn't have any keys. It was an elderly client. Long story short the client moves in.

Speaker 2:

I don't get that Like people leave the door open. I got another story about that shortly Client moves in Total nightmare.

Speaker 1:

Client moves in on a Friday night, saturday night, the plumbing backs off, all into the house, literally shit. Shit Calls me and says I'm not paying this. I go, you owe the title company $1,600. She's like I'm not paying this, get it from the seller. I call your friend, the listing agent, and I said my client's not leaving. Your client has to pay mine $1,600. I'm like my client isn't paying. I go, your client ain't leaving. They call the police. Police says no, he's already moved in. He owns the house. Here's title Because he closed. He had a dry closing. Why are you getting him out? You're not, you're not, you're not. Big fight at the title company Monday morning because he owes the money, which is right. Though the seller's side decided to show up, they couldn't show up for closing, which I got. Big blowout. And here's me. What do you want then? Which I thought was okay. I thought me and him were good. He lost his marbles on me.

Speaker 1:

I'm like what the fuck?

Speaker 2:

What happened? Just pissed because I was. Well obviously he has a temper because he beat up third baseman from the royals. So yeah, it was the first oh, was it the first basement was the first basement you would know it was a nightmare no, there are some difficult clients out there. I've seen some recently. Yeah, yeah they want to yell at you or blame you oh, didn't you just have one blow your face off figuratively, not literally. Yeah, I mean, we become the emotional punching bag for a lot of people a lot of people.

Speaker 2:

I get it like this is the most emotional, stressful time of someone's life buying or selling a house and we're trying to make it as painless as possible, but when there's problems with the house, we can't control that like we don't. We don't have, um, I don't know, magic wand where I can wave it, make your house not have the issues that it has like you're not and we're doing the best we can but also buyers are unrealistic.

Speaker 2:

Buyers think they're getting new construction, which even new construction isn't perfect. No, and they were like picking nitpick. I'm like you know, quit picking you're getting a house. Owning a home, while it's a great opportunity to build wealth and enjoy and have your family, it also requires upkeep and maintenance and fixing the wear and tear and all the things that happen.

Speaker 1:

That's life. Life's hard and I always feel like when you go into buying a home, unless you're buying new construction, you're buying an older home Like it just like. I can't guarantee it, the sellers can't guarantee it. We just have to work with what we have. Unless you spec it out and build it out, we're not going into a new home.

Speaker 2:

You've had some crazy deals blow up at the uh before closing too, like you had one recently because because of bad age, I can't even remember I will. I I'll let you share some stories, but I will tell you there's been some times where I tell my clients, like if we're in a multiple offer situation and we have three or four different offers that are all the same and there's one particular agent that I know is difficult to work with, always causes, I will tell my client that I'm not blackballing them.

Speaker 2:

But I'm going to tell them, like this agent I've worked with and they're amicable and they're friendly and they'll they'll work with us to resolve any issues that come up, because the job is not to like. Dig our heels in. Yes, we advocate in our fiduciary for our clients but our job is not to see how much we can bully each other. This is not a boxing ring.

Speaker 2:

It's not a boxing ring. This is about getting to a resolution that makes both parties happy at the end, and so I've had a suck ass to some people that I don't really like. I like everybody, but no. I mean there's times where I want to blow up on someone and I'm like just bite your tongue.

Speaker 1:

Me too.

Speaker 2:

This is about your client. This is about your client. This is about your client, and you know me. I like to say what's on my mind.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, Not as much as my husband.

Speaker 2:

I ever tell you about the time speaking of what saying? What's on mind? That he threatened to throw a client in the trunk and take him down to the Kelsag.

Speaker 1:

No, the Kelsa Stinky.

Speaker 2:

Kelsa. You know what the Kelsag is known for, right?

Speaker 1:

I do.

Speaker 2:

A hiding body? Yes, it's like where the mob hides the bodies. Yeah, like cement shoes, throw you in a Kelsag. Because it's the sanitary canal, Like you don't swim. Its first barges and ships to go back and forth.

Speaker 1:

So we had a client that came into the office.

Speaker 2:

Oh and the client told me this too. Let me tell you that. So the client comes in, he takes the client, shows him some condos. Oh, by the way, he found out after the fact too, or some some point throughout the transaction, that this guy was also a registered sex offender. Great, yeah, great. And I can't say his name. But he was like, oh, my God and Bart tells the story so much better than I do but no, whatever. So he took them out, showed them condos, whatever he was going to write a contract, and at the time the lender was in-house too, so they were in their same office, so it was an in-house lender.

Speaker 1:

And apparently the client tried to go around Bart and call the listing agent directly to buy.

Speaker 2:

I know you showed this a couple of times and the lender's in our office too, right, so we're she. She's like, hey, your client tried to call me directly. So bart calls the client up. He's like so, and so he's like probably say first names don't matter, right, kenny, kenny. He's like hey, kenny. He's like yeah, yeah, uh, do you want to go see that condo again? And he's like, yeah, yeah, let's go see it. So he takes him there. And at the time bart had one of those big ass Tauruses you know, like the police car cruiser Tauruses big giant trunk.

Speaker 2:

So he comes flying up to Kenny, flips the trunk open and walks over and he just looks at him. Hey, kenny goes. You see that trunk right there. And he's like, yeah, yeah, bart, he goes. Did you call a listing agent? He goes if you ever try to cut me out of a deal, I'm going to take your ass, throw you in the trunk, take you down to God, shut the hell off.

Speaker 1:

This is why Bart's not a direct buyer anymore.

Speaker 2:

So they come back to the office. So now I'm in the office, like I'm office manager at this time at this particular company, at this time I think you may have worked there at the time.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I probably did.

Speaker 2:

I'm just walking around the hallway with all the glass windows and everything and then Bart comes walking by and the lender must have said oh, there's the manager, that's Bart's wife, or whatever.

Speaker 1:

So this guy.

Speaker 2:

Short little creepy looking guy. Yeah, sex offender thing probably makes sense, right, comes running over and goes you're. Bart's wife and I said, yeah, he goes your husband said he was going to throw me in the trunk and take me out of the Kelsag.

Speaker 1:

I'm sorry, I won't do it again.

Speaker 2:

Do you cause him a condo? No, no, it gets better. The day before closing, stupid fucker goes out and buys a truck. Fuck, no, yeah. So bart calls him up, he goes. Hey, kenny, I heard you got a new truck day before closing because the lender is the one that told us right, he goes.

Speaker 2:

I heard you got a new truck he goes. Yeah, he goes. How do you like that new truck he goes? Oh, I love it, he goes. I hope you love it enough to be sleeping and living in it, because you're not going to qualify anywhere, you dumbass. I told you not to buy anything no, he didn't qualify after that of course not, and he he was very.

Speaker 2:

What a dumb ass too. Like I. I don't usually call clients dumb ass, but like this guy who obviously was a creep right, you don't have very many places. You're allowed to live as a registered sex offender because you can't be by a school, you can't be a board, and I mean, would bart have probably turned him down as a client earlier if he knew? Maybe, but he didn't know until partway through the transaction so that was an interesting story.

Speaker 2:

So we always like to say that you know, you don't mess with barb, because they'll take you down with a kilt zag?

Speaker 1:

No, it won't. That's a good one, no it won't.

Speaker 2:

It smells. It is a smelly. It smells like the dead body now Any other weird or crazy stories you want to share, as we kind of wind things down, I mean, we got stories for days, yeah, we should do this like once a month.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Just kind of have some seltzers or maybe some wine and cheese. Yeah, it was good to substitute this because we wanted to talk about teams, but Kristen had to escape because there was no, not golf ball size baseball size hail that was at her house, so she had to go take off.

Speaker 2:

And Kristen's a good one to know about teams, yeah so we'll get to talk to her and we'll break her in on that. So I talked about the naked seller. You talked about the final walkthrough from hell Appraisals coming in. I had an appraisal come in $140,000 low.

Speaker 1:

What? No, I've never been there.

Speaker 2:

The buyer was going to give more money and I'm like no, no, no no. Hold on lesson in sellers. You should absolutely watch who you hire as your listing agent, because they just hired some guy that just put them in the MLS and that didn't really negotiate or advocate for them.

Speaker 2:

They just thought that all you need is exposure because my client would have paid at least $40,000 more in cash brought to the table because it was a two unit. And so the client's like, oh, I'll just you know, I have $40,000. Do you think they would come down, was it? Did I say it was 120 low, 120 low. It was 120 low and they're like, well, we can bring 40 more in cash. So do you think they'll come down 80? I know that's a lot and I'm like no, no, no, hold on. Guess what they came down to.

Speaker 2:

Appraised value for that one, but it was because I knew how to negotiate and they didn't, so that's a good one.

Speaker 1:

Oh, do ever have a dead body. You know I did in florida. I had one in florida and actually it was a personal. I just got my license there and I it was a house that popped on the market duper, dirt, cheap called the agent like go show it the body wasn't there when you showed it. No, he died. Well, here was the thing the the owner passed away and had no family there and Aww, and by the time they found it it was a month later and he had molted into the floor.

Speaker 2:

That's probably what that house that I smelled was. Yeah, same situation.

Speaker 1:

So that's why it was $200,000 cheaper you know Did your client clean it up. We passed. Oh, you know, I'll see you later.

Speaker 2:

So I actually had a listing that I'm certain. I don't know for certain, but I'm certain Like when I got there to list it Bart's smiling in the background, he knows what I'm talking about the tub was still filled with water. What I wasn't sticking my hand in that drain and emptying that out. I sold it full of water. What I made. The inspector mind't have any evidence of it, but you know when you know you know.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you know, you know you know, hell, no, oh hell, no.

Speaker 2:

Sold it just like that. Sold fast too.

Speaker 1:

It sold in like a week you know what's so crazy to me, all these wacky stories. I mean people don't even realize. I mean it's like shit. I could sit here for hours and know you suck.

Speaker 2:

I think we'll like every you know so many episodes. We'll just have like a Friday night. Yeah, unwind, what happened to?

Speaker 1:

you. This week it was. This has been a crazy week for me. I mean, it's Friday night and I'm like what Well we're here.

Speaker 2:

Having fun? Yeah, drinking, sharing stories. Hopefully you enjoy some of them. Love it, alright. So what else? Any final thoughts you have? Recap the craziness? No, I liked this week. Yeah, it was good, it was relaxing. It was In a crazy way. Any animals? Have you read any animal stories? No, I had a dog fighting ring in a house.

Speaker 1:

At what?

Speaker 2:

And with live dogs in it, and I dropped an F-bomb in front of a little girl. I mean I didn't. So we go and sweet lady, and I think it was her mom and her daughter, and the little girl was like six or seven years old, yep. And so we go in and it's supposed to be a vacant house and all of a sudden and I love pit bulls, right.

Speaker 2:

So it's not about pit bulls, it was just that they were fighting dogs All of a sudden into the house where we're already in and I yell oh fuck and I'm like oh well, the club, they decided not to work with me. Obviously I did it twice. Oh, there were two dogs.

Speaker 1:

Bart's saying there were two dogs and, like we both did, the dogs belong to the house.

Speaker 2:

I don't know, I just called the agent. We left. I'm like there's doctors. He's like there's no dogs in there. I'm like listen, mfr, I'm telling you I did not imagine the dogs that came running towards us, that were in the house and I love dogs but these dogs were ready to eat someone, literally, literally ready to eat someone. So that came through. That was fun. How about snakes or?

Speaker 1:

oh my god, oh yes, yes, yes, so probably five years ago I see me and my little couple at first time home buyers Chicago Ridge Go in. Oh my God, super cute, kim, we love it. Whatever, walk outside, go around the back, I go. Oh, there's a, there's a couple of dead snake skins. I'm like I've lived here my whole life. I've seen probably 10 snakes my entire life.

Speaker 2:

You don't see much snakes, not like when we kids no I'm like, well, that's weird.

Speaker 1:

So I'm looking, I'm like, oh, there's a garter snake, oh, there's another one. I'm like, oh, what? Maybe just whatever we go back around to the front and it had siding on it they were cracked and so there were snakes slithering up the door frame.

Speaker 1:

we run me and the girl client or run go to the thing to to the sidewalk and I call the agent. She's like I don't know what you're talking about. I'm like there's a bunch of snakes here. She's like let me call the agent or let me call the seller. Calls the seller, the seller goes.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, there are snakes everywhere.

Speaker 1:

They keep the rodents out. Oh, they liked the snakes, they were all invested in the house, all infested in the house.

Speaker 2:

Oh, so you'd rather have snakes than rodents? How about?

Speaker 1:

neither. That's what I said. How about neither?

Speaker 2:

I take neither.

Speaker 1:

Literally, I've never seen anything, Neither for a thousand Alex. Literally they're this big, this big garter snake.

Speaker 2:

And I don't mind snakes, but I don't want them infesting in my house Once, like that's the thing, I don't mind it.

Speaker 1:

Once you're infested with them, they follow like the whatever.

Speaker 2:

The master whatever.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, If they're underground they will always come back there. You have to continuously treat them?

Speaker 2:

Did they burn the house to the ground?

Speaker 1:

I would have burned it down, fucking, bulldozed it On fire.

Speaker 2:

It was right by Chicago's mall, it's the weirdest, weirdest thing Termites we thing termites we both had some termites.

Speaker 1:

You just showed one. That was so weird. I'm glad that guy didn't buy that house. Me too, me too was infested turn garage. And once they're in the garage, like like the inspector said, he's like, yeah, you know, sometimes they migrate.

Speaker 2:

Well, yeah, because they follow I think if it's treated properly and it's done properly, it's fine, you're fine and I think people freak out about things because, like we used to have an office in California and on the coast like California, and then even on the east coast like Georgia, florida, they get it because of the dampness right and so they tent the houses and they treat them and they move on and they call it a day, but it's when people don't treat things, yep, and then they just get worse.

Speaker 1:

People don't realize if you don't treat and you don street, you know and they ruin and take over the house that I had the other day was everywhere we looked, there were tunnels everywhere.

Speaker 2:

Yeah well, I want to thank everybody for spending their friday night with us. You're probably watching this on a monday afternoon or a tuesday afternoon, but for us it was friday night and, uh, it was a long week. Uh, I haven't had a day off in three weeks. I don't think neither because it's spring market and, uh, we love helping our buyers and sellers, so we want to invite you to tune in, subscribe, like you can watch us on YouTube, spotify, apple, amazon.

Speaker 2:

We're all over iHeart Radio Do epic shit. We love you and keep the likes coming and keep tuning in. Thanks, bye-bye.